There is a different side of life that I have been to ignorant to understand. Sometimes I am my own worse enemy.
It was nice being on the left.
I used to know my place was a spot next to you
Now I’m searching the room for an empty seat
‘Cause lately I don’t even know what page you’re on
Oh, a simple complication
Miscommunications lead to fall out
So many things that I wish you knew
So many walls up I can’t break through…
This is looking like a contest
Of who can act like they care less
But I liked it better when you were on my side
The battle’s in your hands now
But I would lay my armor down
If you’d say you’d rather love than fight
So many things that you wish I knew
But the story of us might be ending soon
You still make my heart race, and that really REALLY FUCKING PISSES me off.
hum hum hum
Is it August 29th yet? I MISS my friends at Plattsburgh. My life feels like it is a standard car being driven by someone who doesn’t know how to use a clutch. But. and yes there is a but. But this but is more like the kind of but that deserves an exclamation of excitement behind it. So… But! I am happy. Working two jobs and putting in 60 hrs a week has kept me busy. Although I must say I haven’t slept past 6am in quite awhile. There is one good thing about working for shit pay though, and that is that it reminds me of why I am in college. And why the hell I want to get out of the shit hole that is called Central Vermont. AKA Crack-addict, toothless, obese, welfare abusers and wifebeater central. Now I just need to buy a new car and pay off my student loans. Yippee for life!
Sometimes I wonder how I ended up so different from the rest. I don’t belong here.
“I have turned around and taken a step in the other direction, I am walking away. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I can’t feel that anymore, until my mouth no longer sours with the tart taste of disappointment.”
I don’t like the fact that I miss you even though you don’t miss me. This goes against who I am. But you changed who I am. Before you I never let anyone close enough to even make the smallest altercation to who I am. And now here I am bemoaning my loss of you, even an idea of which would have disgusted my former self. A “disgrace” I would have thought, in all reality “weak” on part of the self. But then I suppose bemoaning would mean I wish I had done something different perhaps? But this is not something I wish. Besides a few minor irrational words that might have slipped in agitation-well I suppose if I am going to be honest I would have to say “slipped from the hurt”-I don’t bemoan my actions. What I really wish or bemoan as I have previously used in a botched attempt to describe me current state of wishful unhappiness was that it wasn’t all a confabulation (look it up). Compulsive lying, it’s a behavior associated with mental disorders mainly obsessive compulsive disorder but there is an endless list of others (look them up, its intriguing really). There in is the difference between pathological lying and compulsive lying.
So, am I starting to believe my lies or am I starting to believe your lies. Or are your lies apart of my lie. But then my lies could not exist, or if they exist they may only exist within your lies. Would that make you the liar or me the liar. I have no idea.
A compulsive liar is one that cannot tell their lies from reality. Therefore their lies are their reality?
Travel magazines will be the death of me.
So I am sitting in the nurses lounge on break and decide it would be nice to flip through the travel magazine on the table. BAD idea! There is nothing more in life that I want to do than travel. New Zealand, Japan, Antartica, Patagonia, Eucador, Iceland, Europe, Africa, India, Mexico, Peru, Carribean, Russia and so many more places! This is just to much. Maybe I will drop out of nursing and start my own show on the travel channel. The kind where you go to the top vacation spots in the world and show everyone else what they are missing out on sitting there on their couch watching you have all the fun. No no no. I want to be a nurse, I decided to be a nurse just so I could travel so much (while making a contribution/difference to/in our world). Eucador-Galapogas in January, who knows where while serving my four years in the military, and then I can travel where I wish. Perhaps Doctors without Borders when I get out of med school? Yeah, I think so. Life has so much in store for me I can’t wait!
I miss you so much it physically hurts.
Disaster of a Thursday.
Reasons:
- I am woken up from a nightmare to my mom barging into my room for reasons I could not comprehend at the time. When I come to, I realize that it is subzero in my room and everything is soaking wet due to the fact that I left both my skylight and window wide open.
- I try walking and realize that this isn’t an easy task, due to the fact that the lymph in my groin decided to double in size overnight.
- I have to take my mother to the doctors. The surgery was supposed to last an hour so I shouldn’t have had any problem making it to my job interview. It lasted 3 hours.
- Since I was still in my pajamas I had to leave mom at the doctors go to the mall and buy dress clothes for the interview. All the while tugging a two year old in toe who was repeatedly mistaken for my daughter leaving me on the receiving end of judging glares. Why are people so stuck on shoving their heads up others assholes just to smell shit that isn’t their own?
- I go to leave the mall but the car doesn’t start. Fuck.
- I make it back to pick my mom up at the doctors with 15 minutes to spare until my interview. I change in the parking lot just as some old man pulls in next to me.
- We go to leave the doctors and the car doesn’t start again… Fuck. My. Life. I have a very pissed and profusely bleeding mother on my hands and a hungry two year old.
- Ten minutes until I need to get to my interview, the man who parked next to me while I was changing gives us a jump. But he doesn’t know how to jump a car so I get grease on my new shirt showing him.
- Five minutes until I need to get to my interview. NO ONE I repeat NO ONE in central Vermont knows how to drive.
- I make it to my interview. I look like shit, I’m un-showered, I have a headache, my leg is numb by this time and I want to crawl into a hole. I put a fake smile on and be as polite as possible. They tell me that they forgot to schedule me in for my interview. The Fuck? At least I got the job.
Shuffle’s playing all the wrong songs.
I like to imagine that this all has a purpose. That I was placed here in these specific circumstances for a reason, a reason that exists even though I have not the ability to see it.
I like to think that ones circumstances are not what brings happiness, but instead ones state of mind. Perhaps I can be content with this life no matter its flaws. Perhaps in finding “content” I can find “happy.”
I like to hope that I am wrong. Maybe I just over analyze everything, hopefully it is all really in my head and I actually can’t sense these things.
After all, the world is subjective.
